Our 2026 Canceled Celebrity Commencement Speech Guide
Unwelcome words and where to find them
As graduation season approaches, The Hollywood Time$ is proud to present this comprehensive breakdown of 2026 canceled celebrity commencement speeches at universities across the United States and beyond.
Canceled Speakers
Chevy Chase, New York University
“The Problem with You People”
Beloved octogenarian film and TV icon Chevy Chase emphasizes the importance of nurturing your innate talents, sharing predictions and career anecdotes in his famous no-nonsense style.
Excerpt: "Just look at all of you with your dresses and your stupid hats. Years you wasted here, all so you could get a good look at me! And make no mistake, this is the main event, folks. After this, a few of you will be lucky to get chained to a desk somewhere. A lot more of you will get your asses kicked by Bill Murray."
Tiger Woods, Florida State University
“The Road Ahead”
Champion professional golfer Eldrick “Tiger” Woods leaves the links to urge graduates to grab the wheel tight and pursue their goals at full speed.
Excerpt: "The road ahead will not always be smooth. There are twists and turns, puddles and potholes, other drivers and--what the hell is that thing? It looks like a blurry robot with antlers. Which way is it going? Did it get out of the way in time? Well, none of that matters. The important thing is to absolutely refuse to let anybody else do the steering, no matter what."
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, Brigham Young University
“Lessons Learned About Legacy”
Christian adult content stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar caution newly educated young believers to guard their reputation from vicious rumors and also the truth.
Excerpt: “It’s a tricky thing, legacy. They say your children are your legacy. We used to firmly believe that. We put a whole bunch of work into that. Lately we’re thinking maybe not so much. We’ve collected a lot of antique furniture over the years. Maybe that could be something. Do you guys like those word magnets you put on the refrigerator? We may have the most out of anybody. The important thing is, maybe it’s not fair to be remembered for what your kids get up to the moment you take your eyes off them.”
Katy Perry, Vanderbilt
“Thought Beacon Firefly Galaxy”
Failed gospel artist Katy Perry anoints graduates to cast aside the limitations of time and space and become one with the cosmic love vacuum.
Excerpt: “You, my precious tardigrades, have a light shining from the center of your soul tummies. I have seen it from the mesosphere and sent you back my celestial love lasers. Now, I implore you, rise unto the heavens with your knowledge power and rain down acceptance upon all the world. Try to avoid wearing ceremonial garments from another culture while you do it. That’s…that’s where they get ya.”
Mark Wahlberg, Boston University
“Don’t Just Be Wailin’ on People All the Time”
Veteran actor and producer Mark Wahlberg shares insights on the mindset graduates need to make the world a better place, even for wise guys.
Excerpt: “Every day you’ve gotta go outside, walk down the street, look your fellow man in the eye, and say to yourself, ‘Nah. He’s alright. He didn’t mean anything by it,’ and keep on walking. Stop by your local church and say a prayer. Nod to a stranger passing by, even if it looks like he doesn’t belong around here. The world is full of beauty if you just learn to look past all of the yahoos.”
Ted Danson, Arizona State
“The Power of One Person”
After 50 years in unforgettable roles, Ted Danson explains the importance of an individual in modern times.
Excerpt: “How much influence does one person have? Graduates, I stand before you today to tell you, sometimes it’s actually not as much as you hoped. Like, maybe one person you love and truly believe in tells you that a joke or a stunt is going to be very funny and well received by all the world for decades to come. I’m not…I won’t tell you it’s for sure not true, but graduates, let me encourage you to sleep on it.”
Ben Shapiro, Liberty University
“Conservatism: A Double-Edged Sword”
Daily Wire co-founder and Matilda cousin Ben Shapiro lays out the benefits and pitfalls of catering your career to an audience that believes banks are a globalist conspiracy.
Excerpt: “In retrospect, sure, there was always going to be an upper limit on what we could hope to get out of a following that thinks tap-to-pay requires the mark of the beast. I think it’s also important to draw a fine line between being alt. socially conservative, like, ‘Hey, guns are neat and teachers should have them in class,’ and being alt. fiscally conservative, like, ‘Dollar bills are a contract you accept with the illuminati, get them out of your house.’ Who could have known?”
J. K. Rowling, University of Cambridge
“An Age of Shapeshifting and Very Mean Tweets”
Famed British fiction billionaire Joanne Kathleen “Robert Galbraith” Rowling speaks with future authors about the importance of being true to oneself if there is not a revenue-dependent reason to do otherwise.
Excerpt: “Beware, young adventurers. For the quest before you is beset by dark forces. These nefarious spirits will assume new identities to deceive others, not at the behest of their publishers in an effort to market more effectively to children, but to live in greater harmony with what is in their hearts and possibly play sports with their friends. It is of the utmost importance that we stop them.”
The Ghost of Sinéad O'Connor, Georgia Tech
“Good fucking luck out there”
Too pissed to move on to the afterlife, the eternal spirit of Irish chart-topper Sinéad O'Connor implores graduates to meet the world outside with faith and courage.
Excerpt: “So I hear you guys want to change the world, huh? No, yeah, that’s going to be awesome for you. Much like when I exposed the Catholic church for sex abuse. Remember that? Remember when I was, like, a decade ahead of that one? The good news is that stopped it.
I’m just kidding. Everyone went, ‘Hey! Somebody ought to do something!’ and somebody else said ‘Yeah we ought to stop listening to Sinéad O'Connor.’ And everybody let it ride for, like, ten more years. So that’s the kind of thing you guys can look forward to.
Hey, they didn’t play the national anthem before I got here, did they?”
Join The Hollywood Time$ next year for our anticipated coverage of canceled speeches from Sydney Sweeney, Charlize Theron, and more.
