Ed Sheeran Spends Entire Tiny Desk Concert Performance Crying Under Desk
Cry Baby
From a bush outside NPR headquarters, I can now confirm that this week’s Tiny Desk Concert was brought to an abrupt halt after Ed Sheeran threw down his microphone, hid under the desk, and began to weep uncontrollably. Sheeran’s performance was meant to drum up interest in his ongoing world tour, instead it was his breaking point.
“Where the fuck is everybody,” Ed wept to an audience made up of two NPR interns. “I said I was sorry. I donated money to help the needy. I even got vulnerable on stage in Philly of all places. Do you know how hard it is to cry in front of Philadelphians as they call you every name in the book? I’m at a loss for words. This might be the worst day of my life. Please just put up with me again and allow me to be rich and famous.”
The two NPR interns looked on as Ed continued to weep under the desk.
“This is just sad,” said Doug Phillips, one of the interns and a self-proclaimed Ed Sheeran superfan. “I was ready to shake my rump to Shape of You and cry my eyes out to Thinking Out Loud. I just hope he can recover from this whole Gaza thing. The world is a better place with Ed Sheeran and his music in it. We should all stop picking sides, join hands, and shake our rumps together to Shape of You.”
Phillip’s fellow intern couldn’t agree less.
“Look, I have exceptional music tastes,” said Brad Bradley, while rocking a Angine de Poitrine t-shirt. “I knew out of the gate, this was going to be one of the worst TDC’s of all time, like worse than that Superorganism video. But Ed crying under the desk the entire time might move this up a few notches. Like above Hobo Johnson, 311, and Ed’s overproduced Tiny Desk Home Concert from 2021.”
At press time, Sheeran popped his head out from under the desk to see if more fans had appeared around the desk (they did not.) The bush I hid in was a Wail Bush.
Cry Baby