Ed Sheeran Cancels Tour, Joins Night’s Watch
His watch has begun.
From a bush somewhere in Westeros, I can now confirm that musician and famous fence-sitter, Ed Sheeran, has canceled his upcoming Loop tour and committed to protecting the Seven Kingdoms, as a member of the Night’s Watch. Sheeran shared the news outside of his tour bus to members of the press.
“Yeah, everybody is pretty mad about the whole Macklemore thing. People just keep leaving,” Sheeran said as his tour bus pulled away without him, never to be seen again. “That’s why I have decided to head north to the Wall and join the Night’s Watch. It’s the only way I could think of that would redeem my good name and make everyone like me again. It’s literally the only option I have.”
Sheeran began the long walk to the Wall, followed by members of the press who asked why he did not just admit he was wrong.
“I really like Robert Kraft’s money,” Sheeran said. “I guess I could make a statement, denouncing my actions and those of Robert Kraft. I could say I was wrong and finally pick a side. I could say Free Palestine. But I’m not going to do all that. I’d rather stay impartial and lose everything. That’s why I think the Night’s Watch will be perfect for me. It’ll keep me from having to form my own opinions about difficult things and it will keep me in the good graces of Robert Kraft’s money.”
Critics of Sheeran are skeptical about his commitment to the Night’s Watch, none more than Irish hip hop trio, Kneecap.
Just say Free Palestine, Ed. What? Kraft got you by the bollox,” Kneecap wrote in an Instagram post. “You think you can trade your fence for a wall and we’ll just forget? You’re gobshite, Ed. And you’re more White Walker than Irish. Feck off with your dryshite music.”
At press time, Sheeran was sworn into the Night’s Watch. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Winter Daphne.
His watch has begun.