Ed and Edd Reunite After 25 Years for Eddy’s Funeral
The casket was donated by Plank Twobyfour.
From a bush outside of Peach Creek, the community gathered earlier this week to say goodbye to local scam artist, Eddy Sampson, following his passing in a horrific car accident. The accident was the result of a self-driving taxi scam gone wrong. In attendance at the funeral, Sampson’s childhood friends, Ed Hill and Edd Vincent, reunited for the first time in 25 years.
“Eddy’s conceit finally caught up to him. His chickens have come home to roost,” Vincent said tearfully, his words setting Hill off on a search for chickens throughout the sanctuary. “I spoke to Eddy last week. He wanted to get together. He had a scam, he always had a scam, but he was so sure this one would work. Oh, Eddy, I should have said yes. I should have been there. I could have offset your knack to cut corners. Eddy.”
Vincent fell to his knees, weeping and had to be helped off the altar by Rolf, the son of a shepherd. To the astonishment of funeral goers, Hill returned to the closed casket with a pair of chickens.
“Eddy, your chickens are home,” Hill said as he opened the casket, causing funeral goers to scream in horror. “Shhhh, Eddy is sleeping. Eddy. Eddy? Wake up, Eddy, your chickens are roosting.”
Hill was eventually removed from the sanctuary and tied to an oak tree outside of the church. Once peace returned to the funeral service, Rolf took the podium to give a eulogy.
“Snake-in-the-grass Ed boy was slipperier than nana’s drawers in the wash bucket,” Rolf said, holding back tears. “Rolf will miss Ed Boy’s odd-shaped head and his yearning for the succulent jawbreaker. May he find endless jawbreakers in Valhalla.”
At press time Lee Kanker had taken the podium to announce that she would be starting a GoFundMe in honor of Sampson’s memory and to support her while she looks for a new man. The bush I hid in for this scoop was an Edberry Bush.
