Cities Scare Me Too, Pat
From a bush in Salt Lake City, I can now confirm that former wrestler, country singer, and host of ESPN College GameDay, Pat McAfee, has escaped the state of Utah, after a weekend from hell in Salt Lake City.
“The college kids made a video and in it they said that I should keep my shirt on,” McAfee blubbered as an ESPN producer dealt with a booboo on his knee with Neosporin and hydrogen peroxide. “And then the University of Utah, they posted it, and they thought that was okay, but it's not okay. That’s really mean and I could have died. Utah are a bunch of meanie heads, and I never want to go back there ever ever ever again. No way. No how.”
Officials at ESPN are taking McAfee’s concerns to heart and plan to adjust how they pick schools for College GameDay, moving forward.
“We got a bit ahead of ourselves sending Pat out to Utah on his own,” said ESPN College GameDay Producer, Phillip Freeze, while he bounced McAfee on his knee in an attempt to get him to sleep. “Our special guy here can only take so much verbal abuse. So, for now on we’re going to screen schools for meanies and make sure all the college students’ signs are nice and say nice things about Pat. Who’s a good boy? Yes, you Patrick. Who’s my little country star? That’s right, you Pat. Goo goo. Gah gah. Ooh I think he’s getting a tooth!”
We caught up with a University of Utah student to see how they felt about McAfee blacklisting their school.
“I was in that video and I just want to say sorry, Pat,” said Hanna Marks, a college junior who majors in communication with a double minor in business admin and AI studies. “Sorry for not going harder on your pussy ass. Here’s my impression of Pat McAfee. ‘My name’s Pat McAfee and I’m ascared of cities. I’m a big bad country singer, with an extra emphasis on BAD.’ Don’t let me catch you in Salt Lake, pussy. It’s on sight, bitch.”
At press time, ESPN laid McAfee down for a nap with his favorite blanky. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Tough Shrub.
Cities Scare Me Too, Pat