World Cup Players Forced to Pay for Water Used During Hydration Breaks
Drink up.
From a bush outside of Lumen Field in Seattle, I can now confirm that this year’s World Cup, FIFA is charging players for water they consume during planned hydration breaks. Gianni Indantino, FIFA President called the new policy a step in the right direction for the future of the football.
“People think the hydration breaks are just for the ads,” Indantino said during a press conference earlier today. “They’re only partially right. We’re also doing them so we can monitor players' water intake and charge them accordingly. We’re running a business here, not a charity. There’s no such thing as free water.”
Indantino then confirmed all water profits would be split amongst FIFA and the venues hosting this year’s matches.
“We’re always looking for new ways to nickel and dime people who visit our stadium,” said Stan Kroenke, owner of SoFi Stadium. “We never thought to charge the players. This is revolutionary and is definitely going to pay for my next sports team.”
Players aren’t too happy with the change, with some going as far as boycotting hydration breaks.
“Aren’t you getting enough money from the MasterCard and Duracell ads, you fat fucking piggies,” said one player who wished to remain anonymous. “Me and a few of the fellows were able to sneak in some water bottles. We’ll gladly skip the hydration breaks to drink our free butt water.”
At press time, both US and Australia teams had vanished from the field during the latest hydration break. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Pitch Shrub.
