TMNT Save Local Pizzeria from Dave Portnoy
Portnoy seeking charges.
From a bush outside of NY Pizza Suprema, I can now confirm that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have saved the day by chasing away pizza mukbanger, Dave Portnoy, who was yelling through the pizzeria and harassing its young staff. I caught up with the turtles who were enjoying a slice after a hard day’s work, to ask them about the situation.
“How can someone eating pizza be such a bummer," Michelangelo said, while guzzling down a piece of pie and playing a Critters pinball machine. “This is the third pizza joint we’ve had to remove this joker from. I’m starting to think he doesn’t enjoy pizza, which is crazy. If pizza doesn’t make you happy, nothing can.”
Michelangelo’s cool but rude brother, Raphael, went into details about their altercation with Portnoy.
“The mukbanger, unsatisfied with his pizza, decided to confront the cook,” Raphael said before picking his teeth with his twin sai. “When he saw that the cook was a young woman, he said some things that no young woman should have to hear, especially from some useless mukbanger. So, for the third time this week, we kicked his ass and he ran out crying.”
We caught up with Portnoy a few blocks away. He wiped his tears away before planning his next showdown with the turtles.
“I’ll see those green bastards in court,” Portnoy said red in the face, like he just watched the New England Patriots lose another Super Bowl. “Those antisemite turtles will pay dearly for crossing me. When I’m through with them, they won’t have a shell to call home. Then I’ll ask out their tasty slice of a friend, April O’Neil. You know she’s a baddy, the way she sports that Michigan yellow.”
At press time Portnoy had entered another pizzeria and proceeded to put its underpaid staff through hell. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Black Turtle Bush.
