Skydance Hires Bobby Kotick, Tony Blair, Satan
One Hell of a Team
From a bush outside the River Cocytus in Hell, I can confirm that the newly formed Skydance Corporation has assembled various high-profile names for their board of directors and advisors, including former British Prime Minister and Iraq War collaborator Tony Blair, former Activision CEO and Epstein associate Bobby Kotick, and current ruler of Hell and prince of darkness Lucifer Beelzebub ha-Satan.
“We’re thrilled to have attracted so many legendary names in business for this extraordinary new journey,” announced Skydance CEO David Ellison. “Not only do we have Laurene Powell Jobs, who was married to Steve Jobs for twenty years, we managed to get Satan, who’s been living with Steve Jobs himself for the past fifteen years! Satan has a well-deserved reputation as a shrewd businessman, organizing countless deals in which he convinced humans to part with their souls for material gain. We’re confident that with his expertise on our side, Skydance can grow to be the biggest media company in the world.”
For the entirety of Creation’s existence, Satan’s career has consisted entirely of managing the realm of the damned, making his new position a surprise even to himself.
“Honestly, Hell keeps me so busy that I always thought I couldn’t have another job even if I wanted one,” mused Satan, as he removed the eternally gnawed body of Judas Iscariot from one of his three mouths to speak. “But I’ve talked to every CEO who’s ever died, and they all say I’m capable of so much more. Not only is Skydance giving me another big name on my resume and promising to let me exert my influence all over the world, but I could get an EP credit on the next Batman movie! I always wondered what being on the other side of a temptation felt like.”
However, despite the public jubilation, Satan’s time on the board of directors has shown some initial friction.
“You might not think it, but I really am a creative first and a businessman second,” continued the Morningstar. “I’ve spent thousands of years working really hard to think of ironic torments for every sinner, and I take what I do really seriously. My first day on the new board … I know I’m the Devil and all, but these guys suck. This is what happens when you take up contempt for all humanity as a job and not out of passion. I started pitching all these movie ideas to them, I do screenwriting on the side, and I only get halfway through the plot of my romcom before Kotick asks, ‘How is this supposed to make us money?’ Then Blair tells me not to waste my time with new ideas, because the only way we can beat the rival studios is if we act exactly like them. Man, the Queen was so wrong when she said I’d like that guy!”
At press time, Satan was offering his soul to the rest of Skydance’s board if they’d at least pick up his TV show idea for a pilot. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a European Cercis Bush.
One Hell of a Team