Sam Raimi Spotted Ominously Holding Bucket of Fake Blood Outside Clean-cut Actor's Home
“I can wait out here all day.”
From a bush in the Pacific Palisades, I can confirm that renowned director Sam Raimi has been seen in the area ominously holding a bucket of fake blood whilst staking out the home of Miles Teller.
“He’s gonna come out sooner or later and when he does, I’m gonna completely cover him in all this fake blood,” Raimi was heard muttering to himself by people passing by on a tour of celebrity homes. “Actors these days are too pristine. Someone has to take them down a peg and soak them with fluids to humble them. That person is me. It’s what’s best for the pictures. I won’t rest until every actor has been covered in fake blood and maybe even vomit.”
Rachael McAdams, the star of Raimi’s latest picture Send Help, eventually arrived at Teller’s home to try and talk the actor into coming outside.
“Come on Miles, you can’t stay in there forever. Just come on out and get covered in fake blood like a man,” McAdams said with dried fake blood behind her ears. “I did it and it was liberating. You’ll be a changed person I promise you. I never took myself too seriously as an actor and it still enlightened me to all kinds of things you can accomplish if you just allow yourself to get a bit gross. Just because Tom Cruise sends you a coconut cake at Christmas now doesn’t mean you’re above this. Tom would do it; that's for sure.”
Raimi became more and more agitated as he waited for Teller to emerge.
“Come on out Teller! You’re too clean! You need to be covered in this blood. All actors must be drenched! All actors will be drenched! It’s my purpose. You’ll be drenched by dawn! Drenched by dawn! Drenched by dawn!”
Teller eventually relented and allowed Raimi to dump the bucket of fake blood on him.
“I was scared at first. My appearance is everything to me,” said Teller as red corn syrup dripped into his eyes. “The thought of being covered in this gross stuff and looking like a dirty fool was ludicrous to me. But now that it’s happened, I feel amazing. Like I’m no longer trapped in a box because of iPhone face or expensive veneers. Real people sometimes get dirty or so I’m told. Now I can finally look like a real person. I feel like a real actor now.”
At press time, Bruce Campbell was seen driving by in a Delta Oldsmobile to hand Raimi two buckets of unknown fluids in front of Josh Gadd’s house. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Coffeeberry Bush.
