Opinion: Kyle Gass Should Be Executed for His Vile Birthday Wish (Guest Column by Jack Black)
KG’s Trump joke went too far.
Hello dear readers, a roody-doody-doo to you on this wonderful Friday. It’s me, your kid’s favorite video game movie star, Jack Black. Before my 2026 kicks off into hyper speed with the next Mario and Jumanji movies, I wanted to comment on my former friend and bandmate, Kyle Gass. You may recall in 2024 Kyle made a completely inapprope birthday wish in reference to the failed assassination of President Trump. I would reiterate that I do not condone violence. Kyle was wrong for saying what he said, and for that reason, I think he should face public execution.
Now I can hear some negative Nancies. “Jack, Kyle is your friend. You are so wrong for this.” Enough. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about being employable. I can’t be Steve or voice Bowser if I let this band drag me down. Tenacious D was always a side gig anyway. Sure, Kyle needs the money that the band brings in, but I don’t. I got Nintendo and Microsoft money lining all my pockets, even that little pocket inside the bigger pocket of my JEANCO jeans. I have so much money that I would be willing to pay for a portion of Kyle’s public execution.
The big question is, how do we do it? Lethal injection and hanging seem boring, unless we can do them simultaneously, that would be rad. But still, that would take way too much work for little payoff. Do we gas Gass? Gas Gass is fun to say but it would be hard to monetize. Oh, I know. A firing squad. We can do it in a stadium and sell tickets. Spectators can pay extra to write a message on one of the bullets. We could even sell firing squad rights. Like, “this gun brought to you by Tide.” Yeppers, firing squad it is. It is almost poetic, considering Kyle’s atroce b-day wish.
“Can Kyle be saved,” I hear some of you asking. My answer is mostly no. In the world of show business you can be anything you want if it’s something that sells. I know that, and that is why I am one of the few working actors in the town. Maybe KG can bounce back, but he’s going to have to take a long look inward and stop letting hate drive him. I just hope he can find himself so we can get this tour going again.
Go see Mario in April and Jumanji later this year, you jabrones!
