Legendary Pitcher Suffers Heartbreaking Career Setback
You will watch the intro and you will like it.
From a bush outside of a Florida mansion, I can now confirm that legendary MLB pitcher Tommy John suffered a heartbreaking career setback when he passed away peacefully in his home over the weekend.
“This is sadly an all too common occurrence in this sport,” said sportscaster Bob Costas. “These pitchers just give it all they got; I mean their arms are like cannons but then one day they just die at the tender age of 83. It’s really tragic but that’s the monkey’s paw of this great game. This isn’t the first time this has happened to a pitcher, and it won’t be the last. Most of the time it’s career ending, but with any luck, Tommy will be able to throw again.”
While the odds don’t look good for the future of John’s career, not all hope is lost. Dr. Roy Hobbs claims that John will undergo state of the art surgery that if successful will allow him to pitch again.
“What we’re going to do is a total nervous system replacement. It’s been tried unsuccessfully a few times but there have been some recent advancements,” Hobbs said before breaking into a menacing laugh. “We’re replacing Tommy’s brain and nervous system with that of a dead convict, whose body we obtained legally. Then we will raise his body up through the roof on a stormy night and wait for lightning to strike. The electrical volts should be enough to supercharge every system back to life. If it works, he can pitch again within three to six months. It all will really depend on how he takes to physical therapy.”
Many MLB pitchers are hoping the surgery is a success.
“I sure hope that Tommy can come back from this,” said Blue Jays pitcher Max Scherzer. “I’ve never had Tommy John surgery myself, but for a lot of guys my age, Tommy was the reason they started pitching and getting surgery as kids. He’s had an incredible career already, truly a legend, so if this new surgery can get him pitching again after his death, he’d be immortal. Like figuratively and literally. And if it doesn’t work, he could at least still beat the Rockies.”
At press time, it’s been reported that should the surgery be a success, the career saving procedure would be named after John, immortalizing him as a symbol of hope for pitchers. If it’s not successful, he is survived by his wife, Cheryl, two sons, Tommy III and Travis, and daughter, Tamara. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Boxwood.
Is it the end of an era?