Lawmakers Demand WNBA Allow Caitlin Clark to Carry Gun During Games
D-fense.
From a bush outside of Gainbridge Fieldhouse in Indianapolis, I can now confirm that 11 Republican lawmakers are pushing the WNBA to allow Indiana Fever Point Guard, Caitlin Clark, to open carry during games, in an effort to fend off attacks from opposing players. The lawmakers, led by U.S. Rep. August Pfluger of Texas, sent a letter to WNBA commissioner Cathy Engelbert on Wednesday with a list of demands.
“This is about protecting women and women sports,” Pfluger wrote in the letter, prior to attending the ribbon cutting ceremony for Texas’ first Youth Sports Genital Checking Facility for Girls. “If the WNBA isn’t going to protect Clark on the court, she should be able to. And there’s no better way to do that than with a trusty Glock 19. Clark, of course, should be the only one with a gun on the court.”
The letter also suggests the WNBA implement more creative measures to protect its cash cow.
“I’m told the cute pointing lady I’ve seen on the internet is the team's enforcer. Well, it would be nice to see her actually ENFORCE and throw hands with some of Clark’s attackers. Pointing isn’t going to change anything, honey pie,” Pfluger wrote before admitting that he’s never actually watched a WNBA game. “If the WNBA wanted to get really creative, they could add some male enforcers. We at the government would of course have to look the other way, but we’re completely cool with a White Chicks or a Juwanna Mann scenario, if it means protecting the W’s white rose.”
Engelbert responded to the letter earlier today during a press conference.
“Players open carrying during a game is a ridiculous request,” Engelbert said before reminding everyone that the WNBA has been around for thirty years and that no player has ever open carried in the court. “WNBA courts are safe, but we can make them safer. Which is why we are currently looking into implementing an open carry rule for our referees.”
At press time Indiana Fever Small Forward, Sophie Cunningham was called to testify before Congress on her enforcing efforts in the WNBA and her inability to protect Clark. The bush I hid in for this piece was a W Shrub.
