Joss Whedon to Take Over ‘The Batman: Part II’
That Just Happened
From a bush in Scotland, I can confirm that Joss Whedon will be taking over as director of The Batman: Part II after Matt Reeves had to step away for a personal matter. New owner of Warner Bros. David Ellison made the announcement himself to the shocked and frightened cast and crew.
“While it’s terrible that Matt had to step away due to a personal issue, I will not let this production cost any more money. That’s money that could be spent on supporting the brave men and women of the IDF. So Matt is gone, you’ll never see him again. Instead say hello to your new director, the lovely and unfairly cancelled Joss Whedon. Now clap, you ungrateful swine.” The terrified crew slowly and tepidly clapped as Whedon came and stood next to Ellison. “You all better be on your best behavior for Joss. He is your god now and don’t even think of complaining about him to HR because there’s no HR anymore, not under my watch.”
Whedon himself then began to deliver a speech to the cast and crew that were now powerless to defend themselves against his forthcoming abuse.
“Alright everyone, I’m very glad to be here and to be helping you all finish this production. First things first, I’m going to need a copy of the script so I can make a few changes. Nothing major, just gonna add in a bunch of quippy banter and some unwanted sexual humor. Next, I’ll need a list of all the hottest women on set as I’ll need one of them on screen to be humorously fondled by Harvey Dent whether they like it or not. And finally let’s all have fun and by “all” I mean “me and only me.” None of you matter anymore. You are nothing more than my playthings, on this set you are no longer people. Now can an intern please set up my things in Scarlett Johansson’s trailer.”
When asked to comment on the situation, no one working on the film spoke for fear of being fired and blacklisted by Skydance, which would limit their employment to Disney or Comcast.
At press time, Whedon is reportedly making every woman on set try on a Poison Ivy costume he bought at Spirit Halloween. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Gorse Bush.
That Just Happened