Comcast Can’t Believe It’s Least Evil Media Conglomerate Now
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From a bush outside Comcast’s headquarters in Philadelphia, I can now confirm that Comcast’s higher-ups have been left in a state of shock and disbelief that the recent merger of Paramount and Warner Bros. has now left them the least evil of the three companies that control the majority of America’s media.
“When we first took over Universal back in 2011, we were so proud of ourselves,” bemoaned Comcast chairman Brian L. Roberts. “We were already lobbying to kill net neutrality, and we were part of the ISP monopoly that got rich selling you what should really be a public utility. Having a whole fifth of the media forced to say whatever we wanted … God, we really thought we were as evil as it got. Then Disney bought Fox, and Paramount bought Warner Bros., and I can’t even remember the last time someone said Comcast was everything wrong with capitalism. Even if there was anyone left for us to buy and ruin, would it really be as shocking? We must face facts; it’s a new era with new standards for corporate villainy. If you want the whole world to hate you these days, just giving lousy Wi-Fi isn’t enough.”
Additional efforts to further worsen Comcast’s reputation have so far been fruitless.
“I told Brian a long time ago, nothing wrong with standard evil, but if you want to be the very worst, you’ve got to get political,” explained Comcast co-CEO Michael J. Cavanagh. “I see people on the Internet complain all the time about corporations enabling fascism, and I think, ‘We’re a corporation!’ So, we helped fund Trump’s ballroom, and all our theme parks have a Harry Potter world. Even the new one, built after we really knew better. Honestly, I thought that would be enough, but the Ellisons are real professionals. I don’t want to be a pessimist, you don’t get to my position without being pretty damn evil yourself, but I really don’t know where you go from here. Even if we completely retooled MS NOW to be a far-right propaganda mill, Skydance can do that to CBS and CNN. Nobody’s topping that.”
However, others within the company remain hopeful despite recent news.
“Competition breeds innovation. Everyone else hears we’re the least evil and gets upset. I just see an opportunity to try harder,” said Matt Strauss, chairman of NBCUniversal. “Ever since they announced the merger, a spigot has opened in my head. I’m full of ideas for how we can make everything worse. I already have a plan to double our carbon emissions. This is to say nothing of what we can do with our entertainment division. We’ve already expertly edited every single episode of The Office on Peacock to remove Oscar. I’ve greenlit a Jurassic Park sequel that will reveal young-Earth Creationism is true. Also, all the Minions fully and uncritically support Israel. Every one of them. It won’t be easy, but if we knuckle down and start really sucking, I’m confident in ten years we’ll be worse than Disney. But not Skydance. I’m not delusional.”
At press time, randomly selected Xfinity users reported their browsers involuntarily opening various internet screamers. The bush I hid in was a Poinciana Bush.
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