Criterion Announces 4K Director’s Cut of Kubrick’s Moon Landing Footage
Will include never before heard commentary from the legendary director.
From a bush outside of Criterion’s Headquarters in New York City, I can now confirm that the home entertainment distribution company favored by pretentious film scholars and Letterboxd essayists, is releasing a 4K director’s cut of Stanley Kubrick’s infamous footage of the Apollo 11 Moon landing. We caught up with Criterion President, Peter Becker, to discuss the release of this important film.
“We’re excited to finally share the footage—the real footage—of the supposed Moon landing,” said Becker. “Finally, the entire world will see the truth behind the greatest hoax in American history, and they’ll see in stunning 4K resolution that includes new footage, so you see it just as Kubrick envisioned it. My god, the lost tracking shot of the American flag”—he then employed air quotes— “‘blowing’ in the wind is worth the $50 steel box alone.”
Longtime Criterion collector Jonathan Olshun was, ahem, over the moon regarding the news.
“The Moon landing is, unquestionably, Kubrick’s masterpiece,” said Olshun, wearing a “Make 1984 Fiction Again” t-shirt. “I mean, it was so good it fooled millions of people into believing we actually landed on the Moon in the ’60s. Christ, Round-Earthers will believe literally anything. Do your own research, sheeple. Anyway, what everyone missed is that Kubrick’s Moon landing was a satire. It was basically Dr. Strangelove but for the Space Race. Of course, the original cut was a little hard to follow due to poor editing, but I’m certain this new hi-def Kubrick cut will right that wrong. This will be a day-one purchase, for sure. In Criterion we trust.”
NYU film professor Dr. Jake Kellerson commented on the newest addition to Criterion’s catalog.
“Look, it’s no secret that Criterion’s made a few questionable choices when adding films, like Armageddon—god, what a piece of shit—and G.I. Jane,” argued Kellerson. “But releasing Kubrick’s supposed Moon landing footage is a new low. I know being a conspiracy theorist is the ‘In’ thing right now, but it’s just deeply cynical to market to those paranoid egotists. And then to also market to film snobs by claiming it’s the true vision of a legendary director—well, that’s just double-dipping in a douchebaggery stew.”
At press time, Criterion announced that the release will also include a director’s commentary, as well as interviews with the actors who played the astronauts. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Lunaris Fuschia.
