Alamo Drafthouse Removing All Theater Seating
Remember the Alamo Drafthouse.
From a bush outside of an Alamo Drafthouse, I can now confirm that the theater chain, popular with cinephiles, is removing all theater seating from all 50 of their locations, to better serve their patrons’ moviegoing experience.
“Chairs are just a distraction from the movies,” said Michael Kustermann, CEO of Alamo Drafthouse Cinema, before he inserted a row of chairs into a woodchipper. “Now you don’t need to worry about where you’re going to sit, cause you’re not going to sit. You’re going to stand on the floor and you’re going to have a really good time, cause you’re at the movies.”
Director and auteur, Christopher Nolan, applauds the change.
“Moviegoers can’t sit down anymore? Good,” Nolan said, before revealing that The Odyssey 70MM IMAX prints have to be delivered to theaters via ‘oversized load’ trucks. “I don’t allow anyone to sit down while making my movie, so why should anyone be allowed to sit down while watching them? In fact, I don’t think you should talk, eat, or breathe while watching a movie. You should simply just watch. It’s the ultimate movie experience.”
Some moviegoers aren’t too happy about the latest change at Alamo Drafthouse.
“I like sitting in chairs,” said Joe Pretz, a self-proclaimed cinephile, who went on to rank Nolan’s filmography, unprompted. “Fuck the Alamo for doing this, but if Mr. Nolan says we need to stand for The Odyssey, I’m not going to question his vision. I will stand for all 172 minutes of the movie. I can lean during the trailers or something.
At press time, moviegoers suffering leg cramps were still waiting on the food and drinks they ordered from their phone an hour ago. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Pen & Pad Holly.
