Disney Channel Imposes Two Drink Limit on Teen Stars
Stars worry the limit will hinder their abilities on set.
Editor’s Note: This scoop originally appeared on The Hollywood Time$ Substack on May 23, 2025
From the bushes outside of Walt Disney Studios in Burbank, I can confirm that following Jen Dennerson’s DUI through a local mall, the Disney Channel will be imposing a ‘two drink limit’ on its teen stars. Disney Channel’s president, Alan Bergman, delivered the news in a press conference at the studio gates.
“It’s not a choice we take lightly,” Alan said, slapping a bottle of vodka out of the hands of Perry Nepo’s (star of My Vampire Roommate) hands. “But it’s one we have to make. The economy is in the toilet, the government’s clamping down on ‘woke media’, and settling the dozens of lawsuits caused by these drunk teens is getting expensive. So, we’re cracking down. Two drinks per teen, and nothing stronger than spirits.”
This prompted a fair amount of questions from the gathered reporters. Little in the way of asking about the teen star’s well-being, but plenty of questions asking if the young actors “couldn’t live up to the hard lads of old Hollywood.”
“Of course there’s a difference,” Alan continued. “They’re not snorting cocaine off of a bowie knife, and those unions will kick our ass if we so much as think about corporal punishment. We’ll never match the lethality of the golden years, and today’s decision unfortunately ensures longer lives for our teen stars.”
The conference was briefly interrupted by teen star Mitchel Massey, whose attempts to violently speak out were quickly suppressed by tasers.
“First they came for the alcoholics, and I didn’t speak out because I’m not an alcoholic,” said Mitchel, struggling to stand. “There goes any chance at winning the Emmy. The booze has been a better co-star than any of the pricks I’ve had to work with on set. But that’s just the Disney way. Over policing the boozers, and under policing background checks.”
Alan concluded the press conference by reassuring the reporters that the teen stars would continue to have unlimited access to narcotics.
The bush I hid in for this story was a rhododendron shrub.
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