Charmin Bear Mauls Bidet Owner
Bear facing life in prison with one-ply toilet paper.
From a bush outside of Cincinnati, I can now confirm that one man is dead, following an altercation with the Charmin Bear that ended in a mauling. The alleged murder occurred after the victim spoke glowingly about his new bidet. The Charmin Bear has been arrested by Cincinnati police and charged with first degree murder.
“It’s a pretty open and shut case,” said Sheriff Doug Scott during a press conference. “The suspect, who is a humanoid bear and a fan of wiping his posterior with Charmin toilet paper, attacked the victim, Riley Davis, after he spoke adamantly about the new bidet he just installed in his master bathroom. The conversation continued like this for most of the night, until the point when the suspect allegedly grabbed the victim by the back of his neck and began to eat his face.”
The Charmin Bear was allegedly drenched in the victim's blood when he surrendered willingly to police. We spoke to neighbors who knew both the suspect and the victim.
“I can’t believe this is happening in this neighborhood,” said neighbor, Derrik Swells. “Sure, we were all a bit concerned about a family of bears moving into the neighborhood, but we got along. Hell, our kids play together in the street. And sure, Riley was being annoying about his bidet, but the bear was just as obnoxious about his toilet paper. It’s sad, man. They were actually both really good neighbors and best of friends.”
Police do not believe there is reason to be concerned for additional bear attacks in the area but do offer a warning.
“Please keep to yourself about how you clean your posterior after you’re done doing your business,” Sheriff Scott said. “Be it two-ply paper or water stream, it is no one's business but your own. Have some shame for once about something. We can all clean up down there without being weird about it.”
At press time Charmin had cut ties with the bear family and began its search for a new cuddly and less murder-prone mascot. The bush I hid in for this piece was a Tushy Shrub.
